Now Who Am I?

How do you grieve someone who is still very much alive? This is a question I had for God at the top of my journal. With the loss of a relationship, I could not help but notice the reminiscence of myself that no longer existed. I was brought to the realization that toxic relationships not only wreak havoc on your emotional well-being, but once completed, their absence will leave you asking yourself, “Now who am I?” I believe we are left in such a depleted state of mind because somewhere through the haze of ‘love’ our own identity slowly dissolved as the infatuation from dependency grew stronger.

Lesson #1

Let Go, Let God

The first step to letting go is to let God in. I mentioned how in heartbreak, I knew God was speaking to me that it would all be okay. I remember sitting in my aunt’s dining room discussing what had just happened and her telling me, “I’m sure the two of you will work it out.” But I told her, not this time, It was different. I could feel it in my soul (one of the encounters I frequently call a God story).

I could hear God telling me “it’s time.” That was the first time I truly felt God’s presence and knew It was not just me talking to myself. You might be wondering, how are you so certain that God was speaking this to you? I knew it came from him, because the last thing I wanted to do was let go. I say this part laughing, but there is no way that idea came from me. If I kept going I would have been fighting in a battle that was never mine to win.

Toxic Spiral

Not only would I have been fighting a battle I was never intended to win, but I had already been fighting in one for so long within that relationship. I was exhausted and tired of doing things my way because it was clearly not working. I was in a toxic relationship, so with that there were constant ups and downs. This was nothing like a healthy relationship.

It was very much like a rollercoaster. When you are doing good together it is an extreme high and when you are having bad times, it is an extreme low. Everything in a toxic relationship is just extreme. You say you are going to break up every other week, but always fall back into the same toxic routine. That consists of hurting each other, promising to make it better, wooing each other, and then tearing each other down again. That was our cycle and perhaps it is yours too. But believe me when I say it does not have to be that way. Believe me when I say God has better for you, if you will trust him. But to trust God is to have faith in who He is and to have faith in who He is, you have to know him.

God did not force me to let go of that relationship and do things his way. I believe He presented me with a choice. I could try to savor what was not only broken in itself, but broke me, leading me to remain the way I was. Or I could let go, surrender to him, and allow him to reveal who He truly is to me. By learning who God is, I would ultimately rediscover myself, but this time through the eyes of God.

Who Do You Say I Am?

We often have intimate encounters with God when life throws us into affliction. Sometimes It is when we come to a crossroad that we look to God for help. When we are left feeling like the only directions available are pain and misery. That is the moment we cry out to God. God being who He is, does not judge us for that, but instead welcomes us with open arms.

Perhaps, that was part of the plan for us to lose that relationship. Because in learning to let go of that relationship, you would also let go of that version of yourself. Your identity would be gone because that was never who you were supposed to be. Maybe a better way to say it is, you were never supposed to remain that version of yourself. To lose yourself, you would be brought to a place of confusion, asking God, “Who am I? The best part is in return God would ask you, “Who am I?”

Jesus establishes Peter’s identity

Sadie Robertson Huff preached an incredible sermon about identity at Passion this year. As I was reflecting on the notes I had taken, I found them to be quite fitting for this topic. In Matthew 16: 13-18 Jesus asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” To which they replied, “Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others say Jeremiah.” Then Jesus asked them, “But who do you say I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” Jesus replied, “You are blessed Simon son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being. Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means ‘rock’ ), and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it.

There is a lot to unpack in those pieces of scripture. To start I want to put emphasis on the fact that it was when Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, that He asked his disciples who He was. That is a place known as the gates of hell and false worship.

Who Sits at the throne of your life?

In Sadie’s sermon she said something we could all benefit from if we reflect on it. She said, “Whoever is on the throne of your life is going to be the one telling you who you are.” Maybe you are starting to see how this is all tied together. How that heartbreak allowed you to let go and let God in so you can see who you really are. You see it was not until Peter recognized who Jesus was, that in retrospect Jesus told Peter who he was. But God had to be on the throne of his life.

Whoever is on the throne of your life is going to be the one telling you who you are.
Sadie Robertson Huff

I did not know who I was when that relationship ended because I, by my own choice, had placed that relationship at the throne of my life. Not only was I idolizing that relationship, but I idolized that person. I found all of my worth in being that person’s girlfriend, all of my worth in who ‘they’ presumed me to be. My worth was solely dependent upon them.

You can surely see how destructive that wound up being. But it was in that place of false worship that God would ask me, “who do you say I am?” This time I could answer because the throne of my life was no longer another person, it was God. And in retrospect God would tell me who I was and my mission would be made clear and the powers of hell would not be able to conquer it. Because this time my identity was not of my own or another person, my identity came from knowing God.

Where healing begins

Maybe you see yourself in my story. If you see yourself in the broken part of my story, then you can see yourself in the redemptive part of my story. That is why I am sharing this. I do not want you to feel alone. Others have gone through what you are facing and that in itself is hope because others are on the other side of heartbreak. My first piece of advice in healing from your heartbreak is to let go and let God in because healing does not begin with external enticement, it begins with internal transformation. It begins with God.