How to Forgive Yourself
“Nothing takes more courage than putting yourself back together again.”
The Better Man Project
Okay, so you have arrived at the part in this journey where you need to self-reflect. You are starting to realize that keeping them as the villain will not change the hurt that has been inflicted. Yes, you are coming to the realization that perhaps there was part of you that has caused them pain too. When it is all said and done and the trading off of inflicting pain has come to an end, there you are, looking in the mirror with tears and confusion, asking yourself, “where were you?” Yes, this is the part in the journey where you learn to forgive yourself.
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?
The hardest part of the healing process wasn’t working through what happened. It wasn’t starting a new life without the one I thought would always be in the picture, it wasn’t even forgiving the one that hurt me.
No, the hardest part of this whole journey was learning to forgive myself. I felt like I should have loved and valued myself enough to get out of a toxic relationship. But the truth is, I didn’t. And honestly, that ate at me for a long time. I had lost all of my confidence, let my dreams go, and to be quite frank, let myself go.
To shine some light on how bad I let myself go, I once walked into a Panera in a long-white-furry robe, white tube socks, knockoff Gucci loafers, and a very messy bun for lunch. Now, some of you may see no problem in that. And if you’ve worn this look to Panera before I am not judging you. The sole purpose is to show how far I let myself go.
I was the type of person who ALWAYS dressed up. In fact nine times out of ten, I was overdressed and was notoriously known for being “fashionably late.” So for me to show up “horrendously early” should have been my family’s first hint that something was not right. It’s okay, you can laugh. I wish I had a picture of this moment to show you. Let’s just say I retired that look, PRAISE THE LORD!
THE FOCUS IS ON YOU
But in all seriousness, part of learning to forgive yourself is also learning how to love yourself. Take the energy you once used for the other person and redirect it to yourself. Use this time to let go of what happened. Learn from your mistakes, there is always a lesson to be found in difficult times.
I remember shutting out the world and just praying to God. Praying that He would help heal the parts of me that were broken- so I could operate out of a place of wholeness. I asked him to reveal the parts of myself that I needed to change. The process was hard, but was also one of my fondest times with God.
I got to know God like never before. Through learning about who He really is, I found myself and my purpose. God kept his promise and used my pain for his purpose.
Looking back through my journals, I am often writing to God about how I miss that eight month period where I shut out the world and just focused on me and him. That laid the very ground where my roots would grow deeper, being enriched by the Lord’s love.
Isn’t God amazing? He can take something so painful and turn it into something so beautiful that not only produces fruit for oneself, but for other people.
REDIRECT YOUR FOCUS
Redirecting your focus off of them and what they did, doesn’t excuse their behavior, but allows room for you to see where you went wrong too.
This shows you how you can learn, grow, and forgive yourself from it. This may be the toughest part in this whole journey. It’s not easy to come to the conclusion that you added fuel to a flame, not only burning them, but burning yourself. The good news is there’s a God who loves you and will pour his grace upon you.
Perhaps you have heard the phrase, “hurt people, hurt people.” I can testify to that being a truthful statement. When I look back at the times I have hurt someone’s feelings, I was also hurting inside. No matter how well we can bear a brave face, our actions can show how we are truly feeling deep inside.
Oftentimes broken people attract each other. You are both operating out of places of needing something from the other person. Something that you should be able to give yourself.
GOD FORGIVES YOU, IT’S TIME YOU DO TOO
Friends, I encourage you to pray to him, tell the Lord how you are feeling. Tell him what you are sorry for and all that you are carrying.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given, was to talk to Jesus as if I were talking to a best friend. Because that’s one of the things Jesus is for us, a friend. You don’t have to come to him with this perfect speech, speak from the heart- He will hear you and be there for you- And being in his presence is a peaceful experience that you won’t find anywhere else.
When you get honest with the Lord and invite him to your pain, that’s where the remaking of dust begins. God takes you right where you are and begins reshaping you into who He CALLED you to be.
God’s process is necessary, and will require us to be patient and that’s not easy (just ask God how much I like the “patient” part that I encounter in many of our processes together lol) BUT friends, it’s worth it. Trust his process. He will help you forgive yourself.
GuILT & SHaME
Maybe you’re struggling with guilt and shame for something you did within that relationship, or maybe you’re like me and struggling with the fact that you didn’t love or value yourself enough to get out, only hurting yourself more. Whichever boat you fall into, God is there with you.
You can’t fully forgive yourself, unless you believe that you have been forgiven from the Lord. Sometimes we don’t feel like we are worthy of forgiveness, but it’s not about whether we think we are worthy or not, because God already believed we were. That’s why He sent Jesus to die for us and our sins. God wanted a relationship with us.
For this is how God loved: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16-17
God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.
I also want you to remember that when that voice comes in your head telling you everything you have done wrong, making you feel shameful, that’s not God. There is a difference when the holy spirit is convicting you of something you have done wrong – And when the devil tries belittling you into a hole keeping you from God.
The holy spirit’s conviction leads us to God feeling remorseful knowing that God will meet us with love and forgiveness. The enemy uses a tactic of shame where we feel too dirty to even come into God’s presence, so we try to hide what we did- furthering our relationship from God. Friends, pray for discernment and for God to help you hear his voice.
HAVE COMPASSION ON YOURSELF
Lastly, have compassion for yourselves. Treat yourself with love and patience. You can’t keep replaying the past, that’s why it’s important to ask God for forgiveness and begin forgiving yourself, but remember it’s a process – And it’s going to take some time.
Even if you mess up again, God will be there to catch you. He’s patient with us and understands us way better than we understand ourselves.
So- Let’s accept the past version of ourselves and let them go. They got us to where we are now, but it’s who we are today, that will get us to where we are going in the future.
With love,
Emilee
